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Joke of the day!


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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. 
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
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  • 2 weeks later...
A Farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts;
"Ey up cock! Tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta from theer, it's full o hoss piss an cow shite!"
The man shouts back,
"I'm sorry what was that? I'm from London, can you speak bit clearer please."
The Farmer replies,
"IF YOU USE TWO HANDS YOU WON'T SPILL ANY!"
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Charitable?   Al those drivers who either think they have a full size SUV or else have no iidea how wide their vehicle is.  They drive along, with several feet between their tyres and the kerb, forcing others to nearly climb the opposite bank.  That or elsebthey are frightened the hedge will scratch their precious paintwork.

Peasants!

 

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2 hours ago, DeTRacted said:

Be charitable. Probably parked out there so the street sweeper could deal with those leaves........ 

No. I dealt with the leaves a couple of days ago when I was clearing up after trimming the hedge. I swept up/shovelled up best part of 3/4 of a wheelie bin of leaf gloop. The stuff you see there is just the 'crumbs' I couldn't shovel up.

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Parked…..? Broken down? Abandoned?

17 hours ago, JohnD said:

That or else they are frightened the hedge will scratch their precious paintwork.

Yes, big problem in these parts. Gurt bloatmobiles too big to pass anything in the lanes. Utterly unable to go backwards too, or only very slow in zig-zags. 
 

Anything over about 2 tonnes GVW should pay very four figure road tax IMO

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