33 replies to this topic

[davesideways]

Sorry boys. I've been off my nut.

I brought you all here and abused you, suprised anyone has stayed  :B

Time to stick the Oracle back in his box.

Gotta stop infecting this place with my melancholic shit, sort my crap out, try to move forward, be more positive, be more normal, bring myself back into the normal realities of life; realities I've totally rejected. I've no choice.

Take a back seat before I kill this place.

I know i've been on full self-destruct for 2 years. Driving everyone away, it's natural, it's ugly. I'm still there but I'll work to keep it quiet, I don't think my blow-out has done anyone any favours.

I'll try to stick to answering questions and leave people room to breath. I gotta heal all the mess here.

I've explained what I am, why I do things, I hope you have alteast learned something, hard lessons for all.

I've looked deeply into myself, hopefully I can be more humble from now on.

I moved some of the more weird threads into storage.

[GHR630]

Your candour does you enormous credit.  

I think the fact that we are all still here tells a story, perhaps you have more friends than you realise? It certainly convinces me that perhaps not all of society has gone to hell in a hand basket and perhaps there are some real solid people left. Even if they all inhabit an obscure car forum!!!

Perhaps it's because here we are aware that none of us is flawless?

[GT6Steve]

Dave,

I can't say it any better than George already has.

You've built quite a community here and we're not giving up on you or it so easily.

Steve

[akumanospitfire]

As a newbie, didn't want to be the first to post.

Don't worry about it Dave.
Unlike you, we can choose to ignore it.

If saying what was on your mind helped you, all the better.

Cheers,

Akuma

[mark spit]

Ditto all the above..
Mark

[mattius]

As said its probably been a positive thing, the ones that are left are the ones that do respond and help with likeminded attitudes and a similar level of insanity.

[AJ.Lintern]

I think everyone was genuinely worried about you as there was obviously something not quite right! Glad you've come out the other side with a clearer view of your problem and how you might tackle it :)

[davesideways]

Thanks.

I'm not out the otherside by any means. I've just a reached a point.

I've have to change.

I need to just work backwards and try to re-engage with people.

I've caused so much good and bad my whole life. School report, "Curates Egg".

My condition just makes you end up here. At this point of solitude. When you're manic you don't need anyone or anything to motivate you, when you're depressed you force people away so to inflict your misery on them, it's all part of the worthless cycle of dispair. I just can't get on the middle ground.

I've probably landed in a more normal place. The place you lot are, as such I feel it's intensive remorse really, not just for here but my whole life has been one long avoidance method. I've gotta work on burying the hatchett, blunting my axe and healing the wounds I've caused, that's part of it.

Can't just go on leaving a trail of destruction everywhere.

[SimonPearse]

I think that expressing yourself is generally a good thing- so keep doing it!

[JohnD]

Dave,
You know your own condition well, and at present you can see the harm it can do too.
And you know the way that you are going now.
Recently, you were up but coming down, and thinking that you might be now on medication, I encouraged you to 'keep on taking the tablets'.
Please consider medical help, if only to stabilise yourself  and prevent the extremes of mood swing.
It needn't be a  'chemical cosh'!

Talking can help, too.  If talking by email is useful, I'm sure anyone here will be glad to do so.
You have all our email addresses.

Hold onto the fact that you are a valued member of this community.

John

[davesideways]

No I've yet to seek any form of medical assistance.

This is just another area of being depressive and manic. It's when you don't bounce off the bottom and keep rolling along it. It's reflection, it's not somewhere I have been often. Mostly it's due to the fact I've run out of things to keep me from facing up to things, avoidance techniques, I'm not enjoying things as my emotion and reward mechanisms are screwed in this state, it's melancholic.

It's a big step. With being medicated comes all sorts of new challenges. Part of that is first making sure you can get your point across correctly.

Depressive/low energy phases are a cosh on it's own. All your powers removed.

I'm like a drug addict, I've never abused addictive drugs or used booze to escape, I've never really needed to, I get high naturally. I will always be seeking that hypomanic state, it's where I function best. It's why artistic people, actors etc are always coming off their medication?! It's just so bloody good. Maybe that's just normality? I can't remember the last time I was truely happy/content really. I remember what it was like when I was young, endless optimism and energy. Maybe that's just reality, depression sucks you dry, maybe I've just forgotten what it's like to be happy.

[Mother Teresa]

:)

[elsieolly]

Hi Dave
Welcome back to your old self i hope.
Just sort your self out everybody here are big boys so i am sure we can all survive with no grudges  just glad to hear that you are coming through it hang in there.
And Today was sunny no?
Laurence

[thebrookster]

Good to see you are still with us, as the others have said we all support each other on here!!

I have already seen people back on here whom I have not seen post for a while, so your 'calming down' has already been noticed. At least you see and realise the consequences of your actions, I was beginning if that was the case. That if nothing else shows that you have a degree of basic humanity you have tried to deny you had.

I echo John's comment, seek medical advice, because even if drugs only partially smoth the path it should be lass painful to you.

Cheers,

Phil

[davesideways]

Poor old GT has no forums to be at thesedays, not entirely my fault, he has no respect for boundaries either, I threw him an email earlier, with some clauses attached to save any potential legal problems.

Doubt he'd be interested as I know the workings of a similar mind to my own, but you never know.

He did liven the place up, just caught me at a bad time, overloaded me, I had to force him away, the timing couldn't have been worse. That's all. I do respect the guy, he's bound to learned a few lessons about internet life, as I have, we needed to? I'd like to see him back?

Was sunny today, that's the answer to all my problems though. Infact it's probably not the answer at all.

I've quit the other half of the jobs I've been in during summer. I go hypomanic, start thinking I can take over the world, start to get disruptive, start to get itchy, quit my job and start on something then winter comes and cripples me, the other half I quit in winter cause I so depressed.

There really is no answer bar artifical stablisation I guess. It's the modern world, it's the box, I'm 1:100 people. I don't fit the box, this is the result. The box has got ever tighter, there's alot of us struggling atm. It's good these things are more talked about.

I feel sorry for old mate, Mike, he was full blown rapid cycling manic depressive at 22, rode up debts, bad with the rent, borrowed money, hopeless with responsiblity, inconsistant; he rode off to wales on my mates scooter and never saw him again. Everyone just didn't understand him. That's the problem, you get naturally isolated, it's really not even your fault, then you are victimised by the system until you blow-out totally / give in.

It's hopeless. You get run down you reflect, reflection is ugly.

[Royboy66]

Spring is in the Air ;-) B-)

[Hurricane1500]

davesideways said:

Sorry boys. I've been off my nut................................................I moved some of the more weird threads into storage.

:D :D :D :D
posts may contain traces of nuter
:D :D :D :D

sorry, made me smile  :)

as people said above really apart from I don't think you have anything to say sorry for (We all chose to be here)

Toby

[SpitmkIIICPH]

:P

[martinholmesuk]

Hi Dave. I like you from what I read on here. I know you have some things going on but I'm certain people on here standby you because your a good bloke. :-)

[Jarv_77]

I've probably posted more in response to your 'opening up' posts Dave than I have relating to cars on the forum, but then I'm not a big poster here, just still interested what everyone is doing to their spits now I've sold mine.    :(

I'd echo all of the above, no one has to be here if they don't want to be.   What you have done by posting all your thoughts has shared the problem and let everyone try to get an understanding of whats going on.  With all that collective brainpower and experience you've got a ready made support network to build things back up.  I wouldn't blame you though if you decide to move those old posts into storage to reflect on personally later, might be therapeutic????

Be cautious of the medication by all means, research it and understand it and make it your choice to try it if the docs recommend it, you are still in control and if you find that level baseline from which you can spring off day to to day then you will benefit massively.  I've met people who to all appearances were relaxed, happy and positive, but get chatting about anxiety or depression and they admit that for a few years they took some serotonin balancing SSRI's to help them get through.  Though most of us (probably) reject the softening up of men that seems to be going on in society you can't escape the fact that the world we are in squeezes our brains so much out of shape from where they are comfortable that 'opening up' and 'talking about it', though 'soft' are good ways to help us all cope.  And accepting that the quacks can help is ok too.  Doesn't stop you spending your weekends under a car, in the garage fabricating stuff or going to the pub wth mates.

I don't know what part 'the beast' has in your memories at the moment, a reminder of 'bad' times or an anchor that you can always come back to?  I would be cautious about selling though, manic or not you obviously have a passion for the engineering and the cars, you might regret losing it.

Also, as John said, you have our emails. get in touch outside the forum if you want.